A friend and I were recently having a deep conversation; at one point, he said,
"What if there comes a point where life doesn't get any better? Like, for example, when I graduate college, I'll have no loans; if I'm in a relationship then, I'll be happy; and what about if I get/have a good job? I don't see it getting better than that." An all too typical fear; hell, I felt that way about 2009, as 2008 was the best year of my life. When we have all the things we want and/or all the things that make us happy, how can life be better?
I am living proof that like CAN and DOES get better. Before I start sounding too much like a motivational speaker, I will reference a time in my life where all was well. It was the Fall of 1999; I'd just started high school, had made a ton of new friends, was on the football team, was doing pretty decent in school, and was generally happy that I'd left Solon to start anew at Gilmour.
Then life got shitty.
Granted, I had my health, general happiness, and all the simple blessings one could ask for, but became too cocky in my situation and let it get to my head - the surge of friends, the "cool" parties, and the inflated and phony "status" of being on the football team (even though I wasn't that good; far from the best player) - all of these things went straight to my head and as a result, I said some stupid and self-righteous things, alienated some people, ultimately lost some friends, and felt, for a time, like a real loser.
Then life got better - I began to date my first "real" girlfriend, began to ground myself a bit, had a great summer, and began to relax a bit - this helped began to lay the framework for where I am today, I am 100% convinced. (Keep in mind that today, I am miles away from where I was then; in 5-10 years, I'm sure I'll be miles away from where I am right now).
The point in all this above? As cliched as it sounds, sometimes shit has to get worse before it gets better - it's always darkest before it's dawn, etc. - but the point is, it DOES almost certainly get better, in one way or another, and even even taking a second to contemplate how "it might never be this good" or "it might never be better than this" is wasteful and probably more harmful than helpful.
To give another example, 2003 was a phenomenal year. For one, I was able to bring 80 out of my class of 95 together for a year-end bash; at this party, all cliques seemed to dissolve and people mingled and interacted that I never thought would the week prior. The ensuing summer was totally jam; from graduation parties, to working as a caddy, to having success with my disc jockey business, then, finally heading off to my first semester of school - the year was a whirlwind of great people and experiences. At the end of 2003, I reflected on a year of sheer bliss - I was doing well at college, rowing crew, was friends with almost my entire floor, and more - honestly, I NEVER wanted to see that year end.
Then, as before, life got a bit shitty.
Maybe it was because the bar was set so high in 2003 that 2004/5 couldn't match up; whatever it was, I entered a dark chapter in my life - my confidence was at an all time low, I'd set ridiculously high standards for people, namely my friends, to follow (and became extremely upset when they were ignored), and I was often time just feeling angry, sad, and sorry for myself.
Then, a miraculous thing happened - I went home for the summer of 2006 and reflected on the year(s) past. A metamorphosis took place then, of which I can't completely understand but for which I am eternally grateful, and I began to be truly happy again. I'd met some new people, began to live more in the moment, began to truly understand and appreciate the beauty in others, in places and experiences, and just in life in general. I began to have a unique peace of mind, coupled with a general euphoria - a wonderful feeling that allowed me to feel every day that somehow, no matter what, things were/will be okay and that life is good.
What followed is what I am living in right now; after graduating from college and having a fulfilling senior year, I got a job which I truly enjoy, really feel like I've "come into my own" as an "adult," and learned a lot about people and how to deal with all different types. Most of my memories in the recent past have been happy; most of my encounters have been pleasant. I know appreciate, perhaps more than anything else, that everyone is different, unique, and wonderful in their own way - there's no use trying to "fix" anyone; instead, guidance and advice, where appropriate, carries a lot of weight. There's no use judging or condemning people right off the bat, because again, everyone is different and dealing with their own shit, most of which the outside world has no idea about.
I now wake up every morning with something to be thankful for, something to look forward to; I walk down the street listening to my iPod, usually smiling, as my soundtrack of life goes on. Cheesy, I know! But so true - a wonderful feeling.
Compared to 2007/2008, 2003 would be a mediocre year. Perhaps it was because I just had some growing up to do, some naivete to shed, or perhaps it was just because I didn't quite love and/or believe in myself enough to transmitt those feelings of love & contentment to others. I'm sure, again, in 5-10 years I'll report how much I've learned since I was 24 and how dumb I was then.
Who knows? Perhaps, just as history would have it, there'll be a "dip" in my happiness between now and 5 years from now. Perhaps not. Whatever happens though, and the underlying conclusion I draw, is that no matter what you think, life can and does get better. Going forward, I will aim to coast over the rough or "dark" patches and think little of them, and I will do this by remembering 1) that life is generally good and I have nothing to complain about and 2) that no matter what, if you adjust your mindset as such, life is just a curved line on a graph, exponentially increasing.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
James Gartenberg
James Gartenberg died on September 11, 2001. I never knew him; couldn't even identify his face in a crowd. Somehow, this name has stayed with me throughout these past 7 years, 6(ish) months, and it all began on the year anniversary of the tragedy.
I watched "Good Morning America's" 9/11 memorial coverage on the morning of September 11, 2002; I remember in the lower right hand corner, instead of the usual 'abc' logo, there was the number '9' followed by an '11' except the 11 was made to look like the twin towers of the WTC. They were playing video excerpts from the year prior as the disaster was unfolding, and one was of a man who'd called in to GMA from one of the towers. It was around 9:15 when James Gartenberg called in; I don't even remember what he did for a living, and I don't recall them showing a picture of him, only that he'd called in to assure everyone that he and his co-workers, inside Tower 2, were okay. At that moment, as America watched the billowing towers on morning news programs around the country, I think we really needed that confirmation that, although from the outside it appeared dire, from the inside, a voice of hope: things seemed okay.
Sadly, James Gartenberg died.
The clip was over, and they welcomed James's wife and newborn baby, Jamie, onto the show. What was said afterwards I don't really remember. All I know is that James Gartenberg represents, for me, that faceless hero/victim of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Luckily, I knew no one personally who perished, but James is the name I seem to remember and always follow. When they show a reel of victims names, post a banner with alphabetical listings of those who died, I always look for, and inevitably seek out, James Gartenberg.
I never knew the man, nor will I probably ever meet his wife or daughter Jamie. The only like I have to him is a faint, crackling voice over a phone line on the morning of September 11, 2001. That's it. Who knows what he was like; a loving father and devoted husband, or promiscuous womanizer with a mean streak. Maybe he was a broker or investment banker inside the WTC; maybe a cafeteria employee. He might have treated all around him with respect, or been the boss from hell. Either way, James's call that morning gave us a glimmer of hope, even though looking back the whole ordeal just got worse and ended in even more tragedy. Whether knowingly or unkowningly, James was a soothing presence that morning that remained calm although buildings buckled around him.
I guess that's the way it is, though; the connection we have with some people in our lives is merely a mention on the news, a name on the wall, or a fleeting glance on the street. I give people directions all the time if they ask me. Who knows, maybe prior to 9/11, I gave James Gartenberg directions. Guess I'll never know.
I watched "Good Morning America's" 9/11 memorial coverage on the morning of September 11, 2002; I remember in the lower right hand corner, instead of the usual 'abc' logo, there was the number '9' followed by an '11' except the 11 was made to look like the twin towers of the WTC. They were playing video excerpts from the year prior as the disaster was unfolding, and one was of a man who'd called in to GMA from one of the towers. It was around 9:15 when James Gartenberg called in; I don't even remember what he did for a living, and I don't recall them showing a picture of him, only that he'd called in to assure everyone that he and his co-workers, inside Tower 2, were okay. At that moment, as America watched the billowing towers on morning news programs around the country, I think we really needed that confirmation that, although from the outside it appeared dire, from the inside, a voice of hope: things seemed okay.
Sadly, James Gartenberg died.
The clip was over, and they welcomed James's wife and newborn baby, Jamie, onto the show. What was said afterwards I don't really remember. All I know is that James Gartenberg represents, for me, that faceless hero/victim of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Luckily, I knew no one personally who perished, but James is the name I seem to remember and always follow. When they show a reel of victims names, post a banner with alphabetical listings of those who died, I always look for, and inevitably seek out, James Gartenberg.
I never knew the man, nor will I probably ever meet his wife or daughter Jamie. The only like I have to him is a faint, crackling voice over a phone line on the morning of September 11, 2001. That's it. Who knows what he was like; a loving father and devoted husband, or promiscuous womanizer with a mean streak. Maybe he was a broker or investment banker inside the WTC; maybe a cafeteria employee. He might have treated all around him with respect, or been the boss from hell. Either way, James's call that morning gave us a glimmer of hope, even though looking back the whole ordeal just got worse and ended in even more tragedy. Whether knowingly or unkowningly, James was a soothing presence that morning that remained calm although buildings buckled around him.
I guess that's the way it is, though; the connection we have with some people in our lives is merely a mention on the news, a name on the wall, or a fleeting glance on the street. I give people directions all the time if they ask me. Who knows, maybe prior to 9/11, I gave James Gartenberg directions. Guess I'll never know.
Monday, January 5, 2009
December 23
So what's so special about 12/23? It's Christmas eve eve, which I suppose makes it "magical," "exciting," and probably one of the busier shopping days of the year. Other than that, this date doesn't seem to jump out or elicit any kind of response from anyone. Except me. For whatever reason, the 23rd of December is personally a memorable day from year to year; something noteworthy or important always seems to happen on this day. As my memory is freakishly good for remembering specific days, let's take a stroll down memory lane and analyze the last 10 December 23rds...
On 12/23/99, I was a freshman, more awkward and self-conscious as ever. I wrestled that year (probably just to prove I was an Huber-male, tough enough for any challenge) and remember arriving for practice that day only to learn one of my teammate's fathers had died suddenly the day before. He was leaving his office, on his cell phone, and collapsed suddenly in the lobby of his building. Watching my teammate, Harry, with his head in his lap bawling uncontrollably is an image I will never forget, although God knows I'd like to.
12/23/00 was exciting at first; I was going to the movies with my one guy friend and two girls; one of the girls I has a HUGE crush on, nevermind the fact that my current girlfriend and her were BFF. Bummer. Anyway, just the idea of being in a theater with her got the adrenaline flowin. So my friend Adam calls me 3 hours before the show and says he has to back out; his grandfather fell ill and they weren't sure if he was gonna make it. So, I had to cancel movie plans and felt it necessary to pay him a visit. On my way out, as I backed my mom's Mercedes SUV out of his driveway, I didn't see the parked car there behind me - tapped it slightly - but enough to break part of the bumper.
(So far I know your thinking, "man, December 23 is a shitty day for this kid! But I promise, happier 12/23's are on the way...")
12/23/01 began an tradition of Christmas Eve eve shopping. My sister and I went with a bunch of cousins that day; nothing out of the ordinary happened. At night, I went to my school's hockey game at Thornton Park. The following day, though, I danced around the Xmas tunes in my room and my neighbor just stared at me from across the way and laughed. I guess that story has "December 23" worthiness.
12/23/02 I'm at Pacific East Japanese cuisine with Chuck and my recently ex-gf; although we're broken up, we're still not over each other, and won't be for a long time thereafter. This was one of the most awkward dinners of my entire life; not because there was sexual tension between Chuck and my ex (which there wasn't) but Chuck and I fought over how to pay the bill for probably a good 15 minutes. He was stubborn, as was I. I can't even remember how we settled it; all I know is before long we were all back at my place watching "Cruel Intentions" with my mother. Talk about awkward; dinner didn't even compare.
12/23/03 back to the mall; Chuck was there. I worked out and watched Home Alone. I also wrapped gifts in the late hours while watching "Look Who's Talking." (When I saw this movie in the theater, at age 4 in 1988, I asked my mom, in regards to the beginning sequence,"why are all those tadpoles swimming, and why is one talking!?")
12/23/04 This was one of the best 12/23's I've had. We started a shopping tradition that's still goin strong - DeGrandis/DeFino shopping - and I'll never forget that first day. It was snowing real bad; the accumulation was at record level. We went to the mall w/the DeFino family, got our shopping done, and then belted out "Feliz Navidad" in the car on the way home. That night, we saw "Meet the Fockers" w/our parents and had dinner at Market Square Bistro in Bainbridge (?) Pretty sure it was called that back then, and that I have the town right.
12/23/05 DeGrandis/DeFino shopping part II. I had an argument with ex/friend/who know what she was at the time, and it shook me up. Also met Julie for coffee; we had a really nice chat. the aforementioned ex yelled at me for "ditching her to go have coffee w/Julie." She was right; I was kind of a douche there.
12/23/06 DeGrandis/DeFino shopping, Heather and I watched "A Muppet Christmas" w/our cousin Katie, and we made a 5 minute visit to the Resor residence for the annual Christmas party. I think we stopped off at the GP's to converse; all I remember is KGP getting real drunk and passing out. I also remember showing up at the GA basketball game clad in a Santa hat.
12/23/07 the day after the "Keggnog" blowout, where my folks flipped a shit because I was under the influence of alcohol and maybe pot (ok, pot) and so they had to kick everyone out, "Wagner boys, out!!" What a blur. Nevertheless, DeGrandis/DeFino shopping happened anyway; Duncan waved the "Let's Go Izzy" sign furiously out the car window as we drove. I chased Milo the dog around their yard; that night, my 3 friends and I went to a party in Solon. Weed may or may not have been present, and I did not not smoke it. I then ended up doing something unexpected; one of my female friends who has always been just a friend kissed me - I won't go too much into detail but the ensuing tryst temporarily changed the nature of the friendship. Luckily, all is jam and we are back to being just friends - no awkwardness (watch, my '12/23/09' entry will say, "so this friend of mine that I hooked up with 2 years ago...yea it's awkward now...)
12/23/08 DeGrandis/DeFino shopping again, then I went on some random errands at Marc's in town, then I went to cousin Patrick's basketball game. Something interesting happened that night as I hung out with my two friends; we watched "Family Matters" re-runs but something was different and, to make a long story short, the nature of one of those friendships changed; at first, I thought it would be awkward, but in fact, the relationship was strengthened because of the events that played out. I know it's a bit confusing, foggy, and undescriptive (is that a word) but that's the way it must be for now.
On 12/23/99, I was a freshman, more awkward and self-conscious as ever. I wrestled that year (probably just to prove I was an Huber-male, tough enough for any challenge) and remember arriving for practice that day only to learn one of my teammate's fathers had died suddenly the day before. He was leaving his office, on his cell phone, and collapsed suddenly in the lobby of his building. Watching my teammate, Harry, with his head in his lap bawling uncontrollably is an image I will never forget, although God knows I'd like to.
12/23/00 was exciting at first; I was going to the movies with my one guy friend and two girls; one of the girls I has a HUGE crush on, nevermind the fact that my current girlfriend and her were BFF. Bummer. Anyway, just the idea of being in a theater with her got the adrenaline flowin. So my friend Adam calls me 3 hours before the show and says he has to back out; his grandfather fell ill and they weren't sure if he was gonna make it. So, I had to cancel movie plans and felt it necessary to pay him a visit. On my way out, as I backed my mom's Mercedes SUV out of his driveway, I didn't see the parked car there behind me - tapped it slightly - but enough to break part of the bumper.
(So far I know your thinking, "man, December 23 is a shitty day for this kid! But I promise, happier 12/23's are on the way...")
12/23/01 began an tradition of Christmas Eve eve shopping. My sister and I went with a bunch of cousins that day; nothing out of the ordinary happened. At night, I went to my school's hockey game at Thornton Park. The following day, though, I danced around the Xmas tunes in my room and my neighbor just stared at me from across the way and laughed. I guess that story has "December 23" worthiness.
12/23/02 I'm at Pacific East Japanese cuisine with Chuck and my recently ex-gf; although we're broken up, we're still not over each other, and won't be for a long time thereafter. This was one of the most awkward dinners of my entire life; not because there was sexual tension between Chuck and my ex (which there wasn't) but Chuck and I fought over how to pay the bill for probably a good 15 minutes. He was stubborn, as was I. I can't even remember how we settled it; all I know is before long we were all back at my place watching "Cruel Intentions" with my mother. Talk about awkward; dinner didn't even compare.
12/23/03 back to the mall; Chuck was there. I worked out and watched Home Alone. I also wrapped gifts in the late hours while watching "Look Who's Talking." (When I saw this movie in the theater, at age 4 in 1988, I asked my mom, in regards to the beginning sequence,"why are all those tadpoles swimming, and why is one talking!?")
12/23/04 This was one of the best 12/23's I've had. We started a shopping tradition that's still goin strong - DeGrandis/DeFino shopping - and I'll never forget that first day. It was snowing real bad; the accumulation was at record level. We went to the mall w/the DeFino family, got our shopping done, and then belted out "Feliz Navidad" in the car on the way home. That night, we saw "Meet the Fockers" w/our parents and had dinner at Market Square Bistro in Bainbridge (?) Pretty sure it was called that back then, and that I have the town right.
12/23/05 DeGrandis/DeFino shopping part II. I had an argument with ex/friend/who know what she was at the time, and it shook me up. Also met Julie for coffee; we had a really nice chat. the aforementioned ex yelled at me for "ditching her to go have coffee w/Julie." She was right; I was kind of a douche there.
12/23/06 DeGrandis/DeFino shopping, Heather and I watched "A Muppet Christmas" w/our cousin Katie, and we made a 5 minute visit to the Resor residence for the annual Christmas party. I think we stopped off at the GP's to converse; all I remember is KGP getting real drunk and passing out. I also remember showing up at the GA basketball game clad in a Santa hat.
12/23/07 the day after the "Keggnog" blowout, where my folks flipped a shit because I was under the influence of alcohol and maybe pot (ok, pot) and so they had to kick everyone out, "Wagner boys, out!!" What a blur. Nevertheless, DeGrandis/DeFino shopping happened anyway; Duncan waved the "Let's Go Izzy" sign furiously out the car window as we drove. I chased Milo the dog around their yard; that night, my 3 friends and I went to a party in Solon. Weed may or may not have been present, and I did not not smoke it. I then ended up doing something unexpected; one of my female friends who has always been just a friend kissed me - I won't go too much into detail but the ensuing tryst temporarily changed the nature of the friendship. Luckily, all is jam and we are back to being just friends - no awkwardness (watch, my '12/23/09' entry will say, "so this friend of mine that I hooked up with 2 years ago...yea it's awkward now...)
12/23/08 DeGrandis/DeFino shopping again, then I went on some random errands at Marc's in town, then I went to cousin Patrick's basketball game. Something interesting happened that night as I hung out with my two friends; we watched "Family Matters" re-runs but something was different and, to make a long story short, the nature of one of those friendships changed; at first, I thought it would be awkward, but in fact, the relationship was strengthened because of the events that played out. I know it's a bit confusing, foggy, and undescriptive (is that a word) but that's the way it must be for now.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
2008
In the late morning hours of January 2, 2008, I sat at a Starbucks facing the street on 84th & 3rd, just 3 blocks from my office. I remember it crystal clear; I ordered a Gingerbread Latte (for whatever reason, my favorite "holiday" beverage) and sipped it slowly as I delayed going back to work after the week-and-a-half hiatus. To pick apart the timeline a bit, and for clarification purposes, I had just returned from visiting my cousins, aunt, and uncle in Steamboat Springs, CO; I'd actually been "stranded" there for New Year's which turned out to be a blast. A few days before I left for out west, back in Ohio, I threw a big "Keggnog" bash on the night of December 22. It was fun; however, I'd drank much to much eggnog, beer, and may or may not have smoked pot except it definitely was the former. So, my parents see me clearly under the influence of said things and begin to flip a shit and kick everyone out. It also didn't help that many of the guests were not of legal drinking age. Nevertheless, that was now in the past, and I stared out at the dismal gray sky as cars drove by and the world seemed bleak, cold, and for the most part uneventful. Little did I know that about to unravel was the greatest year I've ever known, with each day bringing record amounts of joy and happiness. I learned so many things in 2008 and had so many wonderful experiences, but how in the world was I ever supposed to know this with latte in hand at the 'buck that morning?
In fact, the year's start was not the greatest - I remember my boss yelling at me for being late on January 3 (I'd actually forgotten the office key in Ohio, gotten to the office early that AM, but because no one else was there, I couldn't get in and missed my bosses 9 AM sharp call). That Monday January 7, a woman glared at me with a more-evil-than-normal look even for AM Subway rush hour; you see, I'd stepped on her foot and she just about knifed my face off. Then, all of a sudden, things seemed to jam out beautifully. As I probably mentioned in blog's past, I learned a lot about myself, about women and dating, about single city living, and just "living on my own" in general. Although 2007 was my first official year as an adult out of college with a job, bills, an apartment and all that other "adult" like stuff, all I truly feel like I "came into my own" (this sounds cliched when people say it, but I swear it's true in this case) in the year 2008. There are so many things to mention about the year; I'm sure I'll forget half of the really relevant and/or anecdotal stories, but I will do my best to summarize day-by-day, week-by-week, and memory-by-memory accounts from '08 in the next entry. For now, g'night!!
In fact, the year's start was not the greatest - I remember my boss yelling at me for being late on January 3 (I'd actually forgotten the office key in Ohio, gotten to the office early that AM, but because no one else was there, I couldn't get in and missed my bosses 9 AM sharp call). That Monday January 7, a woman glared at me with a more-evil-than-normal look even for AM Subway rush hour; you see, I'd stepped on her foot and she just about knifed my face off. Then, all of a sudden, things seemed to jam out beautifully. As I probably mentioned in blog's past, I learned a lot about myself, about women and dating, about single city living, and just "living on my own" in general. Although 2007 was my first official year as an adult out of college with a job, bills, an apartment and all that other "adult" like stuff, all I truly feel like I "came into my own" (this sounds cliched when people say it, but I swear it's true in this case) in the year 2008. There are so many things to mention about the year; I'm sure I'll forget half of the really relevant and/or anecdotal stories, but I will do my best to summarize day-by-day, week-by-week, and memory-by-memory accounts from '08 in the next entry. For now, g'night!!
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